Burn the pages
by KR1996
Summary: Since the departure of Nick Amaro ,Amanda Rollins has become even more dedicated to her work at SVU. But when she makes an unexpected discovery, she has to find a way to deal with the problem ,when there seems to be no simple solution.


**Chapter 1** -Changes of Time

Today had been a day of joy, Noah was a officially Olivia's ,she had a family, a family that most wouldn't find entirely conventional but her idea of perfect. To celebrate the significant event, she had held a small gathering inviting those who were close to her, which consisted of her work colleagues.

Nick had already broken the news to Olivia that he was leaving, there partnership over the last 4 years held help each of them grow considerably, but Nick knew it was the right time to go. Although breaking the news to Olivia was difficult, he wasn't quite sure how he could tell Amanda, he knew that it would be difficult but he had to do what was right. Everything that had happened in the last few weeks indicated that it was the right thing for the most valued people in his life, his kids. Nick had always wanted to be the best father to his children, by being as patient ,trying his best to have an active part in there life. The only way he could truly be there for them would be to move closer to them.

He decided to wait until later to tell her, these days they spent a lot of their evenings together especially recently since Amanda had been helping take care of him after the shooting.

Nick and Amanda left Olivia's apartment and got into the car to go home.

"I'm so happy for Liv ,it's nice to see things going well for someone for a change" she smiled.

Nick looked like he had something on his mind in fact he had this look all day.

"yeh"

They got outside of Nicks apartment , she got out the car to open the car door for him ,she helped him out of the car they got into the lift.

"why are you so quite all of a sudden?" she wondered

He knew why he hadn't told her yet, because of everything that willed him to leave Amanda was a reason for him to stay , they had both reached a point in their relationship where they relied on each other both emotionally and physically.

They got into the apartment he sat down on the sofa

"do you want me to get you a drink or anything? "

"No thanks ,I'm ok thanks, Amanda can we talk?"

"Yeh sure, she came over and sat beside him sipping her

He proceeded to tell her how he was planning to move to California to be closer to his kids , how his career prospects at NYPD where not what he hopped at how he thought this was the best thing for him , his career and his family.

"So, you're leaving?" Amanda questioned with a sharp look of shock on her face.

"Amanda, after everything that's happened this year , I think it's time for me to move on"

Her eyes began to fill up she didn't want to show her emotion "I don't know what you want me to say"

Nick was questioning in his mind why Amanda responded coldly it was like he almost wanted something more.

It hurt her to feel like she wasn't enough ,he had made of her feel so loved but in this moment she felt so worthless it was like he didn't understand what he meant to her.

"Amanda , what we have had has meant so much to me you have been there for me so much , and I care about you deeply"

"It just makes sense for me to go"

"I understand" She gave him a fake smile.

She understood, but still selfishly she wanted him to stay for her, although what they had wasn't official she couldn't deny the way she felt about him. It was strange up until this point she considered her life great, she'd even expressed this to Nick, she wanted him to understand that the happiness she had was because of him too.

She knew that their relationship was turbulent at times both in and out of the work place, at the end of the day they were different. They had different upbringings their views on life were different. But everything was always quickly forgiven and forgotten about.

I've got to get going , I wanted to get to a meeting tonight , it's been a while and I want to make sure I'm on track

As she left Nick's she got into her apartment her heart felt heavy she knew how much she was going to miss him , she had no one to talk to about it nobody else knew about their relationship. She thought she would turn to the vice that always distracted her mind, the habit born out of anxiety. Nothing in her life had sent her this far over the edge in recent months, after she had found peace with what happened to her in Atlanta she began to see the goodness that she had in her life with the time she spent with Nick.

With every drop of alcohol she forgot the questions in her head questioning if she was nothing to him , something to entertain him , something to use it was like it wasn't hard for him to say goodbye another difficult thing was that she had no one to confide in their relationship was secret just between those two.

she fixed her make-up and headed for the clubs began to endlessly gamble it was the thing that numbed her and she needed numbing. Pain like this was always a trigger problems that effected the people she cared about she was going to miss him.

To finish the night of she drank herself senseless her second crutch she always found herself at the bar ,when she needed to drown her sorrows shot after shot until the bar tender would let her drink any more. Just to get the thought of nick out of her mind. Who was she to think she was good, it was like there was no reason for her to be happy everything ends with her being hurt. The bartender called her a taxi to make sure she got home ok.

The taxi dropped her off at her block and stumbled up to her apartment she didn't bother getting changed just slumped herself onto the sofa and fell asleep.


End file.
